Descriptions of Hurts, Hang-ups, and Habits

 

 

Chemically Dependent (Alcohol/Drugs)
Individual groups for men and women

If you find that you cannot quit drinking or using entirely, even when you honestly want to, or if you have little control over the amount you consume, you are probably an alcoholic and/or an addict. If that is the case, you may be suffering from a problem that only a spiritual solution will conquer.

Codependency
Individual groups for men and women

This group is for those struggling with the compulsion to rescue and take care of others, have difficulty setting boundaries, or recognizing their own worth. Members in this group learn to express their own needs and wants in healthy ways.

Physical/Emotional and Sexual Abuse
Individual group for women

This group is for those who have endured past physical, sexual and/or emotional abuse. Recovery includes healing from the traumas done to us at sometime in our past, as well as healing from the influence these past experiences continue to have on our lives.

Adult Children of Family Dysfunction
Individual groups for men (formerly Adult Children of Alcoholics)

The family problem of alcoholism made us “co-victims”—those who take on the characteristics of the alcoholic without necessarily ever taking a drink. Choosing to recognize and exit the modeled behaviors of alcoholism is the beginning of recovery for the ACFD.

Sexual Addiction
Individual groups for men and women

Support group for those seeking recovery from lust and compulsive sexual behaviors. This group provides fellowship, is a safe place to share our struggles, pain, and victories, and helps to establish accountability and mutual support among the group members throughout the week.

Eating Disorders and Food Addiction
Individual groups for women

This recovery group’s purpose is to learn a new way of living. The Eating Disorder group addresses Anorexia and Bulimia. The Food Addiction group addresses compulsive overeating and those on the diet roller coaster. We have learned, our tendency is to compulsively try to control food or to be out of control with food. At your own pace, you will learn to trust, to ask for your needs to be met, to say “no” when it is appropriate, to express your feelings, and to hang around when all you want to do is run.

Women’s Love and Relationship Addiction

This group deals with Romance and Relationship Addiction only, and provides a safe place to deal with the depression, isolation, lack of trust, and the unhealthy use of love and relationships as a means of achieving worth.

Codependent Women in a Relationship with a Sexually Addicted Man

Sexual addiction and its causes are largely unknown to most people. This group not only provides support, but also helps women seek an understanding of their own personal issues. Codependents can then confront their own denial and behavior while gaining insight and understanding of their spouse’s sexual addiction.

Recovery from Anger
Individual groups for men and women

These recovery groups are for men and women who find that anger is their first response to problems of any size. The anger may be very evident as rage, or less obvious in terms of withdrawal and isolation. These groups focus on managing a God-given emotion in constructive ways.

Financial Recovery
Individual groups for men and women

This group is designed to help you, with God’s power, gain financial freedom from your debts so you can start managing your finances God’s way. In addition, the core hurts, habits, and hang-ups that have caused the financial trouble and stolen the< serenity and joy that God has intended, will be overcome.

Same Sex Attraction
Individual groups for men and women

Is your relationship with God characterized by shame and guilt? Have you pulled away from healthy relationships because of homosexual issues? If you relate to these struggles, we welcome you to join us for hope and strength as we learn how to apply the 8 Recovery Principles to our lives.

The Problem

 

If you find you cannot quit drinking or using entirely, or if you have little control
over the amount you consume, you are probably an alcoholic and/or an addict. If
that is the case, you may be suffering from a problem which only a spiritual solution
will conquer.

Do you have a drug or alcohol proble? Take the test.

What Is Your Score?

Only you can decide whether you think CR is for you. Try to keep an open mind on the subject. If the answer is YES, we will be glad to show you how we stopped drinking and using drugs ourselves.

 

The Solution

CR does not promise to solve your life’s problems. But it can show you how to:

• Work through the 8 Recovery Principles found in the Beatitudes. With Jesus Christ as your Higher Power, you can and will change!
• Live without drinking or using one day at a time with the help of the Higher Power, Jesus Christ.
• Stay away from that first drink. If there isn’t a first one, there cannot be a tenth one. And when free of alcohol, life becomes much more manageable, with Christ’s power.
• Experience the true peace and serenity you have been seeking.
• Restore and develop stronger relationships with God and with others.
• Stop relying on dysfunctional, compulsive, and addictive behaviors as a temporary “fix” for pain.
• Apply the biblical principles of conviction, conversion, surrender, confession, restitution, prayer, quiet time, witnessing, and helping one another, which are found within the 8 Recovery Principles and the Christ-centered 12 Steps.

When life becomes impossible and passes into the region from which there is no return through human resources, there are but two alternatives:

• The first is to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best as we could.
• The second is to accept Jesus Christ as our Higher Power.

We chose to accept Jesus Christ!

The Problem

On the surface, codependency sounds like “Christian teaching.” Codependents always put others first before taking care of themselves. (Aren’t Christians to put others first?) Codependents give themselves away. (Shouldn’t Christians do the same?) Codependents martyr themselves. (Christianity honors its martyrs.) Compliance Patterns

Are you codependent? : Take the test

In its broadest sense, codependency can be defined as an addiction to people, behaviors or things. Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside. To the codependent, control or the lack of it is central to every aspect of life.

 

The Solution

Jesus taught the value of the individual. He said we are to love others equal to ourselves, not more than ourselves. The love of self forms the basis for loving others. The differences between a life of service and codependency take several forms. Motivation differs. Does the individual give himself and his service freely or because he considers himself to be of no value? Does he seek to “please people?” Does he act out of guilt and fear? Does he act out of a need to be needed (which means he actually uses the other person to meet his own needs; the “helpee” becomes an object to help the helper achieve his own goals).

• Codependents learns to gain his self-worth through Jesus Christ.
• Christianity (The Bible) teaches that a person has worth simply because he was created by God.
• Your self-worth is not based on the work you do or the service you perform.
• Service is to be an active choice. Codependents learn to “act” rather than “react.”
• Codependents allow healthy Christian service to bring joy.
• Christian faith calls for balanced living and taking care of yourself.
• Codependents learn to choose balanced behavior rather than addictive behavior and to allow others to be in charge of their own lives.
• Codependents learn to live balanced lives; taking responsibility for their own health and well-being.
• Codependents learn how to set and hold healthy boundaries and to set limits for themselves, not allowing others to compromise those boundaries.
• Codependents learn to help others in appropriate ways, by allowing others to act independently, rather than making others dependent on them.
• Codependents learn to be God-directed and be free

The Problem

A history of abuse is a common background while the goal is to enter into or maintain recovery. Recovery is a two-fold process. The first step is healing from the traumas done to us in our past; and second step is healing from the influence these past experiences continue to have in our present lives.

(Most) Survivors of Physical / Sexual / Emotional Abuse . . .

• Are hesitant to identify themselves as victims of abuse.
• Feel isolated, depressed, worthless, and helpless to change.
• Are struggling with feelings about God in relation to their life experiences of being abused.
• Condemn themselves, denying that the past abuses affects their present circumstances.
• Feel out of control and defeated in areas of compulsive behavior.
• Feel angry, bitter, rebellious; have trouble with authority figures.
• Feel a lack of self-worth.
• Are preoccupied with thoughts of what it means to have a “normal” relationship with others; mates, friends, family.
• Question their own sexual identity and may experience confusion regarding their own sexuality.
• Desire to regain their sexuality and feel safe in intimate relationships.
• Question self-reality; “Who am I?”
• Question whether life has a purpose.
• Feel “at home” in crisis situations.
• Struggle with perfectionism or “all or nothing thinking.”
• Desire to have victory through Christ over the life experience of abuse.

The Solution

Survivors of Physical / Sexual / Emotional Abuse can experience recovery when . . .

• We recognize that we are powerless to heal the damaged emotions resulting from our abuse. We look to God for the power to make us whole.
• We acknowledge that God’s plan for our lives includes victory over the experience of abuse.
• We understand that the persons who abused us are responsible for the abusive acts committed against us. We will not accept the guilt and shame resulting from those abusive acts.
• We look to God and His Word to find our identity as worthwhile and loved human beings.
• We are honestly sharing our feelings with God and at least one other person to help us identify the areas that need cleansing and healing.
• We accept the responsibility for our responses to abuse.
• We are willing to accept God’s help in the decision and the process of forgiving ourselves and those who have perpetrated against us.
• We are willing to mature in our relationships with God and others.

We are willing to be used by God as an instrument of healing and restoration in the lives of others. “The Solution” is partially based upon the book Helping the Victims of Sexual Abuse by Lynn Heitritter and Jeanette Vought

Do you feel isolated, uneasy with other people, especially authority figures? Are you a people pleaser, even though, in an effort to protect yourself, you lose your own
identity in the process?

We have become alcoholics ourselves, or married them, or both. Failing that, we found another compulsive personality, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment.

The Problem

• Guess what is normal.
• Have difficulty in following a project through to completion.
• Lie, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
• Judge themselves without mercy.
• Have difficulty having fun.
• Take themselves very seriously.
• Have difficulty with relationships.
• Over-react to changes over which they have no control.
• Constantly seek approval and affirmation.
• Either super responsible or super irresponsible.
• Extremely loyal even when there is evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
• Look for immediate rather than deferred gratification.
• Lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternate behaviors or possible consequences.
• Seek tension and crisis and then complain about the results.
• Avoid conflict or aggravate it; rarely do they deal with it.
• Fear rejection and abandonment, yet are rejecting of others.
• Fear failure but sabotage their success.
• Fear criticism and judgment, yet criticize and judge others.
• Manage time poorly and do not set priorities in a way that works effectively for them.

The Solution

• The solution is to become your own loving parent.
• Find the freedom to express all the hurts and fears kept inside and gain freedom from the shame and blame carried over from the past.
• Become an adult who is no longer imprisoned by childhood reactions.
• Recover the child within you, learning to accept and love yourself.
• Move out of self-imposed isolation.
• Rediscover feelings and buried memories.
• Gradually release the burden of unexpressed grief; slowly move out of the past.
• Learn to re-parent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect.
• Learn to see our biological parents as the instruments of our existence.
• Trust that your actual parent is the Higher Power, Jesus Christ. Although we had alcoholic parents, our Higher Power gave us the 8 Recovery Principles.
• Receive experience, strength and hope from others.
• Restructure unhealthy thinking one day at a time.
• Release our parents from the responsibility for our actions today.
• Become free to make healthy decisions that allow us to act, not react.
• Progress from hurting, to healing, to helping.
• Awaken to a sense of wholeness we never knew was possible.
• Come to see parental alcoholism for what it is and know how that affected you as a child and continues to affect you as an adult.
• Learn to keep the focus on yourself in the here and now.
• Take responsibility for your own life and supply your own parenting.
• See beautiful changes in all your relationships,

Common Characteristics among Adult Children of Family Dysfunction / ACFD

• Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD guess at what normal is.
• Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD have difficulty in following a project through to completion.
• Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
• Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD judge themselves without mercy.
• Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD have difficulty having fun.
• Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD take themselves very seriously.
• Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD have difficulty with intimate relationships.
• Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD over-react to changes over which they have no control.
• Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD constantly seek approval and affirmation.
• Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD feel that they are different from other people.
• Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
• Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD are extremely loyal even when there is evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
• Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD look for immediate rather than deferred gratification.
• Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to the possible consequences, or before considering alternate behaviors.
• Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD seek tension and crisis and then complain about the results.
• Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD avoid conflict or aggravate it; rarely do they deal with it.
• Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD fear rejection and abandonment, yet are rejecting of others.
• Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD fear failure, but sabotage their own success.
• Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD fear criticism and judgment, yet criticize and judge others.
• Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD manage time poorly and do |not set priorities in a way that works efficiently for them.

In order to change, adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD cannot use history as an excuse for continuing their behaviors. They learn to have no regrets for what might have been, for their experiences have shaped their talents as well as their defects of character. It is their responsibility to discover their talents, to build their
self-esteem and to repair any damage done. They will allow themselves to feel their feelings, to accept them, and learn to express them appropriately. When they have
begun those tasks, they will try to let go of their past and get on with the business of their life.

The Genesis of Our Addiction

Our lust began as an overpowering desire for pleasurable relief from an inner pain, emptiness or insecurity that we were not able to cope with in any other way. At first, it did provide the relief we sought. For a time, sex with ourselves or with others dissolved the tension, relieved the depression, resolved the conflict, and provided the means to deal with, or escape from life’s seemingly unbearable situations.

Eventually, our quest for relief became an addiction, and the addiction took on a life of its own. Pleasure and relief were gradually replaced with tension, depression, rage, guilt, and even physical distress. To relieve this new pain, we resorted to more sex and lust, losing more control in the process. We were driven to spend more time thinking about and carrying out our addiction. We lived in denial to avoid recognizing just how much of our life was controlled by our addiction.

Finally, our addiction took priority over everything: our ability to work, live in the real world, relate with others and be close to God. What began as the cure had become the sickness. The Answer had become the Problem. We were hopelessly addicted to lust.

 

Overcoming Lust and Temptation

A new loneliness overwhelmed us as we realized that, because of our addiction, we had become increasingly separated from God and our loved ones. We began to seek sobriety, and as we stayed sexually sober for some length of time, we discovered that even though we may not be acting out our compulsion, our obsession was still with us.

We began to recognize the many disguises the enemy uses to trick us into lusting. We learned not to rely on our failed and weakened selves, but rather, to turn to God’s pure love and absolute power. With an increased reliance on God, we worked on our recovery with altered attitudes, a changed heart and growing humility, and we gained a progressive victory over lust.

As we yielded to God, temptation began to lose its control over us. When we admitted we were powerless and gave our lives and our will over to God, He worked in us, and we began enjoying a healthy new balance in our lives. Leaning on and learning from others in the program, we continue to walk in His strength, gaining true freedom from lust and sin through obedience to Christ our Lord.

Are You Sexually Addicted?

Take the test.

Eating Disorders

The Problem

For women, Food Addiction is unique. Our behavior ranged from daily binges and excessive exercise, to starvation and vomiting. We engaged in a high intake of sweets and unusual rituals while eating. For some of us it was Compulsive Over-eating, Bulimia and Anorexia. We used our bodies to create an illusion that gave us a false sense of self-worth. We jeopardized our relationships, health, jobs, morals and values; we even neglected our children. All the while, we rationalized our addictive behaviors. “Why can’t I have a little something like everyone else?” “It’s just food” or “What they don’t know, won’t hurt them.” We tried to maintain a “normal”image, yet we lived a double-life. We became disconnected from reality making true intimacy with God or other people impossible. We took God off His throne and replaced Him with our behavior.

Why? We were running. Running from love, running from pain, and running from the pain of, shame, self-hate, and multiple forms of abuse. We lacked self-worth, had an unrealistic body image and feared intimacy. We tried to connect; we tried to escape. We felt abandoned. We had a need to be in control and have power over others and/or situations. Spiritually, we were bankrupt.

We learned to numb our feelings and to cope with our inadequacies by reaching out for a cure that would ultimately destroy us. This unhealthy belief system was not in line with the plan God had for the food in our lives.

Food addiction is progressive. It can begin as a little curiosity or negative selftalk. When we cross a line, it sets us in motion to cross the next line more easily. Ask the recovering compulsive over-eater, bulimic or anorexic “when, how they started, and how it ended.” We’ve asked ourselves, “How did we get here?” Sometimes, we don’t even remember why we started in the first place. We tell ourselves that tomorrow our food behavior will be better, but it never is. Eventually our behaviors resulted in kidney damage, destruction of teeth, malnutrition, cardiac arrest or diabetes. For many, the risk of death is now a reality. And hopefully before that happens, we hit bottom.

To determine if you suffer from an Eating Disorder, ask yourself these questions:

Take the Test Here

If you answered "yes" to five or more of the questions numbered 1, 4, 7, 12, 13, 14, 15, 17, 18, 19, 22, 23, 24, you may be dealing with compulsive overeating.
If you answered "yes" to five or more of the questions numbered 1, 2, 6, 8, 11, 13, 14, 16, 17, 20, 22, 25, 26, you may be dealing with anorexia nervosa.
If you answered "yes" to five or more of the questions numbered 1, 3, 5, 6, 9, 10, 13, 14, 15, 17, 19, 21, 22, 26, you may be dealing with bulimia nervosa.

The Men’s Food Addiction Group will provide support to any and all men who struggle with food issues and will focus on strengthening their relationship with God. This will provide freedom from the ongoing internal battle with food. You can expect to become closer to God through His Word, the Recovery Principles and the love and support of other men.

The Problem

• Throughout our lives many of us have turned to food to ease our pain or fear.
• We felt comfort in eating and found ourselves turning to food whenever we were hurt, angry or frustrated.
• Food became our comforter, our friend.
• Some of us may have a specific food that we have trouble eating in healthy amounts, and once we start eating it, we cannot stop.
• Some of us may have been emotionally, physically or sexually abused and use food to cope with the emotions of those events.
• Some of us may have had healthy eating habits as children or young adults, but at some point in our lives we chose to overeat and lost the ability to discern when we were physically hungry or when we were physically full.
• Some of us may have turned to food after obtaining sobriety in other areas.
• We thought food was “safe,” not realizing it could become our “drug of choice.”
• We have focused on our body image instead of our health.
• Many of us have tried various diet programs, exercising, medications or many other ways of trying to control our eating habits.
• We have failed over and over and are left feeling guilty, incapable and unlovable.
• We have given in to the idea that there is one perfect diet or pill out there that can save us, if only we could find it.
• Some of us believe that thin people do not struggle with food addiction. We have also failed to recognize food as our “drug of choice.”
• As a result of our food addiction we feel out of control and may struggle with many other areas of our lives.
• Some of us have low self-esteem which may affect our motivation, and our relationship with God and others.

 

The Solution

• We came to realize that we are powerless and could not control our addiction.
• We understand that our problems are emotional and spiritual.
• We are ready to face our denial and accept the truth about our lives and our food addiction.
• We are ready to accept responsibility for our actions and make Jesus the Lord of our lives.
• We are dedicated to learning about healthy eating.
• We are committed to learning the difference between physical and emotional hunger.
• We are willing to turn to God when we are not physically hungry.
• We will begin to view food as fuel for our body so that we will not eat unless we are physically hungry and stop when we are physically full.
• We are willing to begin the process of recovery and working through the 12 steps to heal ourselves, and start living the life God has planned for us.
• We are willing to find a Sponsor and Accountability Partners.
• We realize our group provides a safe place to share our fears, hurt or anger and is also a place to rejoice in victories.
• We are willing to face our character defects and work through these feelings in our group.
• We are willing to take the focus off of food and focus on God.
• We recognize that recovery from food addiction is not about our body image or what foods we eat, but it is about trusting God and having an intimate relationship with Him.
• We are willing to believe and trust in God’s love for us, and to see ourselves as He sees us.
• We are willing to seek a closer relationship with God.
• By facing our fears we have realized that we need Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit in our life to overcome those fears.
• As we surrender our food addiction to God, we will come to know that He is all we need.
• We will continue to seek a daily quiet time with God and will rely on the Holy Spirit as our source of comfort. We will be transformed by the renewing of our minds.
• We will use the tools of recovery: calling our accountability partners, journaling and reading the Bible.

The Women’s Food Addiction Group will provide support to any and all women who struggle with food issues and will focus on strengthening the individual’s relationship with God. This will provide freedom from the ongoing internal battle with food. You can expect to become closer to God through His Word, the Recovery Principles and the love and support of other women.

The Problem

• Throughout our lives many of us have turned to food to ease our pain or fear.
• We felt comfort in eating and found ourselves turning to food whenever we were hurt, angry or frustrated.
• Food became our comforter, our friend.
• Some of us may have one specific food that we have trouble eating in healthy amounts, and that once we start eating it, we cannot stop.
• Some of us may have been emotionally, physically or sexually abused and use food to cope with the emotions of those events.
• Some of us may have had healthy eating habits as children or young adults, but at some point in our lives we chose to overeat and lost the ability to discern when we were physically hungry or when we were physically full.
• Some of us may have turned to food after obtaining sobriety in other areas.
• We thought food was “safe,” not realizing it could become our “drug of choice.”
• We have focused on our body image instead of our health.
• Many of us have tried various diet programs, exercising, medications or many other ways of trying to control our eating habits.
• We have failed over and over and are left feeling guilty, incapable and unlovable.
• We have given in to the idea that there is one perfect diet or pill out there that can save us if only we could find it.
• Some of us believe that thin people do not struggle with food addiction. We have also failed to recognize food as our “drug of choice.”
• As a result of our food addiction, we feel out of control and may struggle with many other areas of our lives.
• Some of us have low self-esteem which may affect our motivation, and our relationship with God and others.

The Solution

• We came to realize that we are powerless and could not control our addiction to food.
• We understand that our problems are emotional and spiritual.
• We are ready to face our denial and accept the truth about our lives and our food addiction.
• We are ready to accept responsibility for our actions and make Jesus the Lord of our lives.
• We are dedicated to learning about healthy eating.
• We are committed to learning the difference between physical and emotional hunger.
• We are willing to turn to God when we are not physically hungry.
• We will begin to view food as fuel for our body so that we will not eat unless we are physically hungry and stop when we are physically full.
• We are willing to begin the process of recovery and working through the 12 steps to heal ourselves, and start living the life God has planned for us.
• We are willing to find a Sponsor and Accountability Partners.
• We realize our group provides a safe place to share our fears, hurt or anger and is also a place to rejoice in victories.
• We are willing to face our character defects and work through these feelings in our group.
• We are willing to take the focus off of food and focus on God.
• We recognize that recovery from food addiction is not about our body image or what foods we eat, but it is about trusting God and having an intimate relationship with Him.
• We are willing to believe and trust in God’s love for us, and to see ourselves as He sees us.
• We are willing to seek a closer relationship with God.
• By facing our fears, we have realized that we need Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit in our life to overcome those fears.
• As we surrender our food addiction to God, we will come to know that He is all we need.
• We will continue to seek a daily quiet time with God and will rely on the Holy Spirit as our source of comfort. We will be transformed by the renewing of our minds.
• We will use the tools of recovery: calling our accountability partners, journaling and reading the Bible.

The Problem

This group provides a safe place to deal with the depression, isolation, lack of trust, and the unhealthy use of love and relationships as means of achieving worth, that are characteristic of Romance and Relationship Addictions.

Addicted to “Love” characteristics are:

• Lack of nurturing and attention when young
• Feeling isolated, detached from parents and family
• Outer facade of “having it all together” to hide internal disintegration
• Mistake intensity for intimacy
• Hidden pain
• Seek to avoid rejection and abandonment at all cost
• Afraid to trust anyone in a relationship
• Inner rage over lack of nurturing, early abandonment
• Depressed
• Highly manipulative and controlling of others
• Perceive attraction, attachment, and sex as basic human needs, as with food and water
• Sense of worthlessness
• Escalating tolerance for high-risk behavior
• Intense need to control self, others, and circumstances
• Presence of other addictive or compulsive problems
• Using others alter mood or relieve pain
• Continual questioning of values and lifestyle
• Driven, desperate, frantic personality
• Existence of secret “double life”
• Refusal to acknowledge existence of problem
• Defining out-of-control behavior as normal
• Defining “wants” as “needs”

The Solution

The goal of recovery is to achieve and maintain sobriety. In most addictions, sobriety can be defined simply by ceasing the unhealthy behaviors. Stopping and staying stopped are the goals. For most types of problems, the slogan “just say no” is appropriate.

Staying sober is more complicated with people addictions. The aim of recovery cannot be the complete avoidance of all forms of romance and relationships. It is similar to the challenge faced by people addicted to overeating; they cannot simply give up food. Rather, they must learn the difference between healthy and unhealthy eating. They must eliminate the unhealthy while promoting the healthy behavior. In the same way, for those addicted to love, the goal of recovery is not to become a hermit living in the mountains. The goal is to foster healthy relationships and eliminate unhealthy ones.

Asking the following questions can help you determine if a particular behavior will contribute to a healthy relationship or lead to addictive behavior.

1. Will I later have to deny that I did it?
2. Is it self-centered?
3. Is it abusive to myself or to others?
4. Is it inconsistent with my values?
5. Would I refuse to do it if Christ were standing here with me?
6. Is it an action without an underlying commitment?
7. Will I feel better or worse about myself for having done it?
8. Will someone else feel worse for my having done it?
9. Is this a waste of my time or the time of others?
10. Am I doing this to escape painful feelings of reality?

A yes to any of these questions should be a ‘red flag’ that the behavior being considered may be unhealthy. When romance and relationships proceed with these types of dynamics, they are likely to be dysfunctional and addictive.

Sobriety means establishing and maintaining a balanced lifestyle. At the same time, staying sober is always more than the mere presence or absence of certain behaviors. Sobriety is more than just “not doing” certain things. It involves personal growth. It is not what we avoid, but what we grow toward, that makes sobriety meaningful. As we have seen, growth must occur in several areas of our lives. We must look to our physical health. We must be concerned for our emotional, social, and mental welfare. Spiritual growth must be the foundational block, upon which, all other growth is built and sustained. Balance is the key. Romance and relationships have been the dominant factors in the life of one addicted to love. Recovery is the time for these relationships to find their rightful and healthy place as a part of the whole person, not as tyrants which control and consume a person.

SELF CONTROL: Self-control is a mark of spiritual maturity, while giving in to outward anger (raging), or giving the silent treatment (stuffing), denotes the exact opposite. I will ask myself before I speak:

• Is it true?
• Is it kind?
• Is it necessary?

My Emotions are My Own Choice

I can choose:

• To be positive in my communication.
• To not withhold approval, acceptance, or affection.
• To not withhold my presence.
• To choose equality, rather than seeking false superiority feelings or false inferiority feelings.

When the trials come, I can be assured that if God has allowed them through His love, they are designed to produce good in me. As I continue to work through my anger, I will be patient with myself, living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time. I will try not to allow guilt or discouragement to drag me lower than my anger does. God, who is the essence of patience, is very willing to take the necessary time to see me through my struggle.

The Problem

As women who struggle with anger, we may not recognize that our anger has foundations in other basic emotions—usually fear or pain. These basic emotions may have become damaged as adults or when we were children. Some of us may have been abused or neglected as children. Others may have lost a parent or a loved one by their death. Many of us may have been abused or cheated on by a spouse or boyfriend. We may have learned how to express anger inappropriately from our parents, other relatives, or friends. We did not realize that when we lashed out in anger, we were ignoring our fear, pain, or another deeper hurt, habit or hang-up. Others of us did not even realize we were struggling with anger because we did not express it, but rather, we stuffed it down and kept silent. As our lives and relationships progressed we may have become addicted to the physical symptoms of anger. Some of us may have felt a momentary euphoria as the anger was released. Some of us did not recognize we were actually hurting our loved ones and ourselves in the process. In the heat of the moment, releasing our anger was
all that mattered. Some of us felt our anger was justified based on the object of anger’s actions, i.e., “If he hadn’t come home late from work, I wouldn’t have had to yell at him” or “If she had not talked back to me, I would not have had to slap her” or “My husband deserves me calling him names, yelling and fighting because he cheated on me.” Many of us feel intense shame and guilt over the actions that we have committed during our unhealthy expressions of anger. We have vowed to never act that way again, only to find ourselves back in the same situations, unable to change it under our own power. Anger has confused us and gotten the better of us time and time again. Some of us did not understand that anger is a God given emotion and that we could use it in healthy, productive ways. Being angry meant that we were bad, somehow faulty; even that we were not Christians. We have allowed our shame and guilt to create the false belief that we could not turn to God for his comfort, strength and guidance. We did not feel worthy of His help or love. We remained stuck in using anger as a coping mechanism and to get the desired results from others.

The Solution

EVALUATE THE ANGER: Anger is one of my ten basic, God-given emotions. This emotion can be CONSTRUCTIVE or DESTRUCTIVE—depending upon my response. The focus of this group is on giving Jesus a “NANO SECOND” (just one billionth of a second!), to help me use all of my emotions according to God’s design, for my life, and to appropriately change my pattern of relating to my responsibilities and to other people. It is both healthy and necessary to feel anger and to talk about my anger. I should recognize anger as my own emotion and avoid hurting the objects of my anger— keeping my anger as a feeling not an action. Looking at anger as a feeling may also reveal a larger hurt, habit or hang up that is hiding behind the anger. It is what I do with my feelings that will allow me to fall into sin. I need to check the motives for my behavior. Rudeness under the disguise of being honest is still rudeness. There are two kinds of anger: healthy adaptive anger and unhealthy needless anger. Healthy anger is based on being protective of myself or others. Unhealthy needless anger is based on my resentment which leads to desiring revenge. Recognizing and accepting my responsibility for unhealthy needless anger is the first step towards true freedom from anger.

DAILY QUIET TIME WITH GOD: Anger causes me to live in conflict and not in peace. I will try to remember that God is in charge of my life and He loves me unconditionally. I will commit to having a daily quiet time with God.

TAKING A “TIME-OUT”: When I feel body arousal, I need to recognize that as a sign that I am getting angry. I will use a “time-out” to isolate myself from the trigger for my anger and to prevent the anger from becoming too intense. I will ask myself, “What is making me angry? And “How is this trigger about me?” I will reappraise the situation to keep my behavior under control. I will do something physical to release the adrenaline rush and energy in a healthy way, such as going for a walk or cleaning a closet. I will avoid alcohol, caffeine, or other medicating substances during “time-out.” Looking at anger as a feeling may also reveal a larger hurt, habit or hang up that is hiding behind the anger. CONFRONTING IN LOVE: After the time-out, I will go back and deal with what made me angry. If I leave an issue unresolved, it is likely to return later. I will not use the confrontation as an opportunity to blame, shame, seek revenge, or to rationalize my anger. Examples of confronting in love while stating my feelings are: “I love you, here’s how this action makes me feel,” or “I feel devalued when this is said or done.”

WORK THE 12 STEPS AND CONNECT WITH OTHERS: I will commit to working the 12 Steps, to attend regularly the Celebrate Recovery meetings, and to getting an Accountability Partner for my anger management. (We strongly suggest each woman obtain a Life Recovery Bible and the Participant’s Guides, which are the tools we use in Celebrate Recovery.)

FORGIVE: I will become willing to forgive myself and others. The Lord forgave you, so you must be willing to forgive others (Colossians 3:13b NLT). Forgiveness is NOT forgetting what has happened. Forgiveness IS changing the way I think. Forgiveness IS my giving up my desire for revenge.

The Problem

Every person has a “Pattern of Toxic Behavior” that can significantly damage the important and intimate relationships in his or her life.

Anger is one of our ten basic, God-given emotions. This emotion can be CONSTRUCTIVE or DESTRUCTIVE—depending upon our response. The focus of this group is on giving Jesus a “NANO SECOND” (just one billionth of a second!) to help us learn to use all of our emotions according to God’s design for our lives, and to appropriately change our pattern of relating to others and our responsibilities.

When most of us think of an “angry” person, we think of someone who destroys themselves and their relationships through uncontrollable outbursts of rage. We usually picture someone who goes around slamming doors, yelling loudly, and making life miserable for everyone, including themselves. Yet, this is only one part of anger, as anger has many faces. Equally as damaging and destructive is anger that is suppressed, or “stuffed.” All anger, if allowed to, will continue to destructively influence our behaviors and attitudes, and will ultimately, erupt from deep within the heart.

Recognizing and accepting responsibility for toxic patterns of behavior is the first hurdle to overcome as one runs the race toward true freedom from anger. Walking through the recovery process with Jesus Christ as our Higher Power allows us to admit our powerlessness to control our anger, as well as trust that He will help us to overcome our destructive habits.

Breaking the old patterns that have kept us locked into destructive behavior takes time. What took years to bring about will take some time to change. But with Jesus Christ as our Higher Power, and the willingness to allow Him to change our life, real freedom from anger is possible!

Take a few minutes and complete the following questionnaire. It may reveal more about your anger than you realize helping you determine if your anger is reaching a destructive level in your life. It may also be the beginning of the healing that you’re looking for! (Adapted from “The Anger Workbook,” written by Dr. Les Carter and Dr. Frank Minirth.)

Answer the statements below:

Yes or No

• I become impatient easily when things do not go according to my plans.
• I tend to have critical thoughts toward others who don’t agree with my opinions.
• When I am displeased with someone I may shut down any communication with them or withdraw entirely.
• I get annoyed easily when friends and family do not appear sensitive to my needs.
• I feel frustrated when I see someone else having an “easier” time than me.
• Whenever I am responsible for planning an important event, I am preoccupied with how I must manage it.
• When talking about a controversial topic, the tone of my voice is likely to become louder and more assertive.
• I can accept a person who admits his or her mistakes, but I get irritated easily at those who refuse to admit their weaknesses.
• I do not easily forget when someone “does me wrong.”
• When someone confronts me with a misinformed opinion, I am thinking of my comeback even while they’re still speaking.
• I find myself becoming aggressive even while playing a game for fun.
• I struggle emotionally with the things in life that “aren’t fair.” Although I realize that it may not be right, I sometimes blame others for my problems.
• More often than not, I use sarcasm as a way of expressing humor.
• I may act kindly toward others on the outside, yet feel bitter and frustrated on the inside

If you answered 4 to 8 statements "Yes", your anger is probably more constant than you would like. If you checked 9 or more boxes, there is a strong possibility that you have struggled with periods of anger or rage, whether you are aware of it or not.

Same Sex Attraction

• Has trouble making, forming, and maintaining close healthy relationships with other men
• Has more opposite-sex friendships than same-sex friendships
• Feels uncomfortable and awkward around other men
• Feels inadequate compared to other men
• Secretly longs or desperately desires to fit in and be part of a group of men (band of brothers)
• Feels ostracized by other men
• Doesn’t see himself as a full and complete man
• Can be easily intimidated or persuaded by other men
• Doesn’t understand the give and take of healthy male friendships
• Is overly sensitive to criticisms
• Cannot take good-natured joking or kidding from other men
• Can only guess at what it means to be a “man”
• Feels more comfortable around women than men (may have chosen a female dominated profession)
• Has trouble starting or initiating romantic or sexual relationships with women
• May have fantasized about being like other men, admiring their qualities, looks, characteristics and these fantasies may have become sexual
• May have acted out sexually with other men
• May be overly focused on his appearance and that of other men
• Secretly craves healthy, affirming affection from other men but feels awkward accepting or expressing such affection
• Feels unsure of himself
• Plagued by self-doubt and regrets
• Can be indecisive (has trouble making decisions, second guesses himself, fearful of doing or saying the wrong thing)
• Doesn’t trust his own judgment
• Seeks the advice and approval of other men
• Often overcompensates for his perceived inadequacies by overachieving in school, career, profession, hobby, or wife’s interests
• Feels that no one understands him
• May often be very religious or have a highly developed sense of moral/ social consciousness
• Is very sensitive
• Has troubled or non-existent relationships with their fathers
• As a child experienced a significant betrayal (either real or perceived) by their father
• Has rejected the hurtful models of manhood in addition to the appropriate, healthy model
• Felt misunderstood as a child and as a man (especially by other boys or men)
• Looks to external factors (career, accomplishments, material possessions, physical beauty) to make him feel like a man

The Problem

As children, many of us did not experience the secure love of our father or another male role model. Many of us were abandoned, abused, or ignored by our father or an older man. We were disconnected from other boys and were often called upon to provide emotional support to our mothers. We desperately wanted to fit in with other boys and longed for the attention of a loving father.

During puberty these legitimate unmet needs became sexualized. This was a confusing time, as we felt alone and unsure of ourselves with no one to show us the way to manhood. We may have experienced additional trauma or abuse during this awkward time. We became more aware of how different we felt and we did not develop emotionally as other boys did. We may have retreated into the world of women or girls, or developed specialized talents, or used drugs or alcohol as a desperate cry for our father’s attention. We began to fantasize about other boys or men in a futile attempt to steal their manhood for ourselves. As we developed, our unmet needs for a father’s love and guidance took over and hijacked our sexual desires. Some of us acted out our desires with pornography, sex with ourselves, and high-risk sex with other men in a desperate attempt to escape from the inner pain, emptiness, and insecurity we felt.

Our misdirected sexual thoughts and actions kept us locked in a world of unreality and kept us from developing emotionally and spiritually as men. For some of us this sexual behavior became an addiction, but we felt inadequate, unworthy, alone, and powerless to change our thinking and behavior. Many of us lived in shame and secrecy always fearful that others would discover our pain. We were trapped in a seemingly hopeless state.

The Solution

We admitted that, in our own strength, we were unable to change our thinking or behavior. Acknowledging God’s design and desire for our sexuality, we began to face the root causes of our same sex attractions. We realized that our sexual thinking and behavior was an attempt to cope with the pain of our past and the loss (whether real or perceived) of our earthly father’s love. We realized that our painful childhood experiences were not God’s desire for us and our attempts to meet those unmet needs only made the ituation worse and started us in a cycle of sexual confusion and bondage.

We sought God’s help for victory over our compulsive desires while examining and admitting our part in our sinful past. We began to reconnect with other men in a safe and healthy nvironment as God revealed our shortcomings and underdeveloped character to us. We did our part to make amends for our past wrongs and to forgive those who hurt us. By accepting God as our perfect, heavenly Father and His unending love for us, we made peace with our past and came to rest in our new found identity as Men of God, new creations in Christ Jesus.

Prerequisites for Partners

• Preferably of the same sex.
• Actively attending Celebrate Recovery meetings.
• Compassionate.
• Serious about the recovery program.

SPONSOR

S = Set a Good Example

You exhibit the qualities and characteristics that your sponsee strives to achieve, such as honesty, integrity, willingness and compassion.

You have the experience of keeping your own house in order—not your physical home, but your spiritual life. In order for you to be an effective and godly sponsor, you must have the experience of working through the Steps and Principles, as well as continuing to seek a greater knowledge of God’s Word. A great Sponsor leads using their weaknesses, in addition to their strengths.
By leading with your strengths alone, you may appear prideful or arrogant, and this may repel people, rather than draw them to you as a Leader.

P = Prayer

• As a sponsor, I must pray for my sponsees need for:
• Physical, emotional and spiritual healing.
• The lifting of the fog of denial.
• Their protection during times of temptation.

O= Oneness with Christ

• Ways I can/will keep growing in Christ:
• Practicing daily prayer and meditation.
• Ongoing accountability.
• Attending recovery meetings.
• Practicing the 8 Recovery Principles.
• Being in a small group.

N= Never Condemns

• Ways I can avoid being judgmental:
• Be a good listener.
• Respond with sensitivity.
• Prayerfully consider feedback.

S = Share Your Personal Experience

• It is important to share my experience because it:
• Continues my personal healing.
• Offers hope.
• Demonstrates freedom from our hurts, habits, and hang ups.

O= Open and Honest Communication

• Ways I can be open and honest are:
• Be compassionate. Be careful not to try to ‘fix’ people, the Lord will heal them in His time.
• Listen. Carefully consider situations before offering a suggestion.
• Confront denial and procrastination. Be strong to point out, in a loving manner, detrimental patterns of behavior in your sponsee.

R= Responsibility

• I can be responsible in this role by:
• Being available, yet having boundaries.
• Protecting anonymity and confidentiality. The only exception is when someone threatens to injure themselves or others.
• Offering suggestions, not making demands.
• Rejoicing in victories.

Prerequisites for Accountability Partners

• Actively attending CR meetings.
• Sharing a similar area of recovery.
• Developing deeper relationship with Christ.
• Demonstrating growth in their recovery.

A-TEAM

A= Accountability

• Identify with the same area of recovery in order to understand the specific struggles and have the same recovery goals.
• You must have ongoing accountability. Regardless of the length of our recovery, we all need accountability.

T= Teamwork

• Attend meetings and events together. The process of recovery is based on the “we” system, not the “I” system.

E = Encouragement

• Be an encourager. When you see positive behavior, even if it seems insignificant, remember that encouraging each other gives the feeling of accomplishment. And that positive reinforcement is a foundational step in building more positive behavior.

A= Ask for Help

• Be willing to be vulnerable. It is by exposing our weaknesses to each other that we are able to ask for what we need. If we don’t ask for help . . . we won’t get any

M= Motivate

• Challenge your accountability partners. Keep each other motivated and excited about the miracles and blessings in your lives.

An accountability partner is someone you go with to the gym or join together to encourage one another through any program. You encourage one another to stick with it.

One of the most important steps for a Newcomer—that they must initiate their own recoveries and seek new relationships. A Newcomer must take responsibility for their own recovery.

Ways of Finding a Accountability Partner

• Get to know the members of your group—this will give you contacts for Accountability Partners.
• Ask God to lead you to the person of His choosing.
• Research other CR program ministries in your area.
• Visit secular recovery groups and seek out other Christians in recovery.

 

Accountability Partner Responsibities

Coaches you through the 8 Principles / 12 Steps; Participant’s Guide.

Available in time of crisis or potential relapse.

Discuss issues in detail too personal for meeting time. (Listens to 5th Step)

Gives recovery related assignments to encourage one another.

Requires meeting attendance.

All AP's are required to attend the share and step meetings as often as possible. (if you do not attend the meetings yourself, You are not likely to be a very good Accountability Partner).

Shares experience strength and hope.

You may have more than one Accountability Partner even have meetings of your own.

Will confront denial and procrastination.